Tattling vs. Telling: A Montessori Approach
How often have our little ones come to you to express their grievances about other children? Sometimes, these reports are about broken rules. Sometimes, they are about hurt feelings. Sometimes, they may even be attempts to get others “in trouble.”
In these moments, we have a split second to determine how best to respond—and our response matters! Empathy and problem-solving can help children navigate social conflicts. Read more to learn how to reframe tattling, guide constructive conversations, and build independence.
Underlying Issues
When children come to an adult to tattle, they are typically trying to figure out the rules, both explicit and implicit, and how those rules are enforced. Which rules are critical? Which rules can be bent or broken? When should someone intervene?
Although those “tattle” moments can feel annoying, it can help to remember that there were probably a dozen or more other times when they didn't come to an adult for help. Coming for help can be because they reached the point of “enough is enough.” In this case, the "tattling" is really a plea for help.
Remember that children are in the process of creating their value system, especially elementary-aged children who have a heightened sense of justice and are often acutely attuned to what is or isn’t fair. Children who regularly tattle usually need support figuring out the intricacies of rules and which are the most important. Children who are clear about this are more likely to just remind a sibling or classmate about the rule.
If we reframe our perception of a tattler, we can see that child as asking for affirmation, clarification, or even a clear understanding of the consequences of breaking a rule.
Reframing Our Response
If we reframe tattling as a request for help, our response can shift accordingly: "It sounds like you need some help with this. What can I do to help?" Or "I hear that you are feeling very frustrated with Julie. Let's go talk to her.”
It’s essential that we don’t dismiss children by telling them to work it out on their own. They have come to you for help. That being said, if children seek retribution or punishment for another, we can help guide them through another approach. For example, if the two children aren't getting along for some reason, they need some support to repair their relationship.
A Step-by-Step Approach
First, take a moment to determine the intention behind the tattling. One way to slow down the process is to make an observation and restate the concern: “So you are upset that…” or “You are concerned about…”
We also want to acknowledge the children’s feelings and need for help: “Amelia, it sounds like you need help resolving this with Olivia. Let’s go talk to her together.”
We can then facilitate a structured conversation between the children. For the most success, we want to ensure the conversation happens in a calm, neutral setting. Then, we can encourage each child to express their concerns: “Amelia, can you explain to Olivia what upset you?”
It helps to remind both children to truly listen closely to each other and to ask the listener to repeat what they heard in their own words: “Olivia, what did you hear Amelia say?”
In this process, we can help explore the issue's root cause and see if any triggers led to the unwanted behavior: “So I wonder what happened before Olivia threw a stick at you. What could have caused her to want to do that?”
Allowing both children to express their perspectives and repeat what they heard back is crucial.
We can also encourage the children to think critically about their motivations to guide everyone toward a resolution. Try questions like:
“What do you think I should do here?”
“What do you think should happen next?”
“What would help resolve this?”
In asking these kinds of questions, we are helping children consider their own motivations and how to make amends. This can help reveal whether they are seeking punishment or truly need help resolving the issue.
Children are also very sensitive to whether we are maintaining adult neutrality. Even if one child seems “more guilty,” we want to avoid taking sides so that the process is focused on understanding, communication, and relationship repair.
Helping Children Distinguish Between Tattling and Telling
Over time, we ultimately want children to build the skills to resolve conflicts independently, uphold expectations, and know when to get help for serious issues. As children develop trust that adults can be counted on to help as they form their value systems, we can introduce them to the difference between tattling and telling.
What is Telling?
Reporting serious concerns (safety, harm, or bullying).
Seeking help when there is a genuine need for an adult’s intervention.
Example: “Someone is hurt,” or “I saw something dangerous.”
What is Tattling?
Seeking attention.
Trying to get someone in trouble.
Reporting minor issues that could be resolved independently.
Example: “She took my pencil!”
Refer to the visual guide below, which you can use as a discussion tool with children. It’s important to acknowledge that children often struggle distinguishing between tattling and telling. But with support, time, and intentionality, children can learn! They may even want to add to the list as they experience different instances of tattling or telling.
We want children to learn that safety and well-being are priorities while also empowering them to problem-solve when issues arise. The goal is for children to recognize when an issue requires an adult’s help and how they can take responsibility in social situations. As adults, we can model empathy and accountability in this process.